Back to our regularly scheduled program

Hello friends. This will likely be the last post on my Camino blog and then I will switch back to my usual content on my other blog site. If you don't follow over there, go ahead and shoot me a message and I'll send you the link.

As of tomorrow, I will have been home for two weeks. In that time, I have had a LOT of down time to reflect and process and REST. One huge revelation I have come to is that in my regular life I do not get enough of this time. Unscheduled time. I am that girl who keeps her schedule so packed out that my head is spinning even when I do have a free moment. I love meeting up with friends, going out and enjoying life and being active. I actually feel guilty when I have a lot of time to myself, because as a mom, I guess I somehow got "programmed" that it is selfish or something.

One of the biggest pieces of learning that I have taken from this experience (especially the leaving early part) is that not only is it healthy and smart to have down time, but it is something I NEED. Each time my brain tried to wander into that place ("I should really be doing something") I actually worked to mentally shut that down and just keep doing the things that were feeding my soul at the moment.

I have stayed in bed really late in the mornings, watched hours and hours of Netflix, gone to movies alone, read a book, caught up on blog reading, spent a TON of time with my kids and just literally done nothing sometimes.  I have reconnected with a few old friends and have caught up with their lives. Most of the times I have gone out to do something, it has been to do ONE errand, or meet up with one friend, and then I came home. Guess what? That is awesome. I love that I am a full grown up and have just now discovered that I am in charge of my own life, my own schedule, and how I get to allocate the time in my days!

Another realization is that I have begun to use my empty brain space to have really valuable thoughts. I am considering how I want to run my classes this year, how I want to carry out this new thinking in my life once real life begins again and how to prioritize my time when I go back to work! I am actually excited to get back to work and spend time in my classroom helping young people shape their lives.

I'll leave you for now with a few quotes from one of the movies I've viewed since I've been home:

Maddie’s YouTube that describes my trip

Starts at 3:35

Very interesting, Maddie! (My 20 year old daughter.)

https://youtu.be/mmeYwaw3qjA










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To begin again. Differently.

~Cheryl Strayed

In the quiet of a Saturday morning, before the city awakens, amidst an empty house and a mug of warm coffee, I begin to think about the future.

I am drastically changed by the experiences of the past month of my life. There has always been intentionality about how I approached life. For the past three decades or so, I have been increasingly careful about the kinds of people I let into my world. To varying degrees, I have protected myself from the negative forces in the world, even when it meant being less informed (no television news) or less popular and busy (many less accepted invitations.) I have weeded my garden carefully to snuff out that which will suffocate the beauty.

To a greater degree now, I know that I will protect my heart and soul from the outside forces that may serve to degrade the quality of my life. Some of those forces are easy to recognize and others come disguised as something that looks and feels appealing, but in the end turns out to be self-serving.

I have discovered, since being home, that my approach to life has changed. I am no longer drawn to fill each day with multiple, though meaningful, activities. (My therapist calls this distractions.) Life needs to be slower, and even more intentional. My focus has shifted to include only that which deserves my attention. I have purposed to slowly re-enter my world, not calling every single person who I love to report that I am home. I have carefully responded to the inquiries and invites, only affirming which might continue to feed my soul and help me healthfully process the magnitude of this past month.

Going forward, I know that there will be challenges. Just because I am no longer walking the Camino in Spain, does not mean I am not still on this journey. There are mountains to scale. I will not avoid them, as these mountains will not permanently damage my physical body. They will serve to make me stronger, and I will face that which may be painful and difficult, for the good of my long term future. I will strive to be honest with myself and others.

I am beginning again. When I announced to a friend several months ago that I was doing the Camino, she said, "You are creating Patricia 3.0!" We laughed at this together, but now, on the other side of it, that is exactly what I am. It is a rebirth, a turn in the road onto a new path. I welcome what it has to offer, and I will vehemently protect and preserve the beauty it has to offer.

Re-assimilation

There is a process that happens whenever one has been removed from their usual surroundings for a period of time and then has to re-familiarize with everything upon return. My best life example is when I come back from a long vacation to my work. It sometimes feels like I have amnesia and cannot even remember what I am supposed to be doing there. Thankfully, the kids come and I regain my composure and everything works out fine.

I also think about a person who has been confined in jail for a period of time, and then has to return to regular society and work to fit in and build a life again. I think this is my "go to" because I love to listen to crime pod casts and I spend a lot of time thinking about re-entry that wrongfully convicted people must endure.

Anyhow, I found myself in this exact situation when returning from 24 days away on the Camino. When I saw my kids for the first time, they looked different to me, almost as if a lot more time had passed. Those hugs when we saw each other were real. My dog was just plain pissed at me, and though he wanted to be cuddly, he just laid near me and stared at me, with a silent, "how could you have done this to me?"

When we drove across the bridge from the airport, I was astounded at how beautiful everything was, how clean the air smelled and how blue the sky was. We drove into our underground parking garage and I saw my car, covered in dust, and I realized I had not driven for so long. What would that feel like to be behind the wheel again?

But mostly, I was just so thankful. Thankful for my home, my kids, my dog, my car, the smell of the elevator at my apartment complex, how beautiful and inviting my home is. I almost immediately began to draw a bath and add aromatic bath salts and baby oil (my skin was so dry after so long in Spain.)

The kids wanted to go get some food across the street and when I was finished bathing, we sat together and ate at our dining room table. I loved listening to them talk about all that had been happening. I enjoyed telling them about the food in Spain and how delicious my chicken tacos were. You literally cannot find a taco in Spain to save your life.

I'm not sure how long it took me to lay on my bed, but when I did, it felt like heaven. I appreciated the soft, familiarity of my own space, my own people, my life.

I want to capture this feeling and hold onto it for the times when everything gets overwhelming. I want to take a snapshot of this exact moment in my mind so that I can return here frequently and re-experience this gratefulness that we so easily overlook.

I am incredibly thankful for my Camino experience. It provided important perspective in so many areas of my life that I truly feel I could never have achieved here just living in it. I needed that space and time away. I needed both the beauty, the freedom and the depravity of the Camino.

I am slowly re-assimilating to my life. I am not anxious to go out and do things. I really just want to savor my solitude and space, and re-enter society slowly. 

The end of my journey

My Camino: 165.5 miles of walking

813 flights of stair climbing

389,726 steps total

21 days of Camino life

So, I walked a third of the total number of miles that the Camino provides. I avoided a lot of hills, due to my knee problems, but in that, still climbed quite a lot of flights. The number of steps astounds me most. That is an average of 18,558 steps each day of walking. On a normal day at home, I work to get a minimum of 10,000 steps a day. I sometimes go over and sometimes go under.

I am in a weekly competition on my fitbit called workweek hustle with about five other women. I got three times the steps of the person in second place one week, and I noticed that I am no longer invited to that competition. Haha.

I could have continued walking there. I could have done more. But, in my heart and my gut, I knew I needed to come home.

The journey home was a challenge of its own. I had to take two buses, a train, another bus, two flights and another bus to get all the way to PDX where my kids could retrieve me. I started at what was noonish on a Monday and got home at 9 PM Spain time on a Tuesday. I feel like re-entering my old life is akin to pushing a new baby back into its mother's womb.

I have experienced an entirely different existence than what I was living in Vancouver, Washington, in my posh downtown apartment. I was deprived. I was exposed to an entirely different culture of living that I never knew existed. Now, I would, very slowly go back to what once was my comfortable life. What would this expose to me?

One thing I have noticed is that I have what is for me, unusual patience, that I didn't have before. For example: when we got off our flight at what I thought was PDX, we were herded into a large warehouse like place and lined up to take pictures of our passports. Then we got into another long line to meet a border agent, who examined both the picture and the passport and asked us questions about where we had been and why we were coming back and what we were bringing with us, and who packed our bags.

After that, we were led into a big area where our luggage was, and I thought for sure that I would walk out that door to my kids and dog waiting in the car. Nope. I grabbed my bag, and there was another agent who we waited in line to talk to who asked more questions and looked at our passports again and then led us to a door where a bus waited.

I got on the bus, and honestly had no idea where I was or where I was going. The bus took us a short distance and then we went through a door that was in the baggage claim of PDX. From there, we could walk out the doors to our lives.

Normally, I would have been losing my shit to a degree that I would have needed intervention and talking down in the beginning of this process, but I think I have just experienced enough of life differently now, that I was fine. I just figured it would all end okay and I would get home eventually, and no matter what, I was NO LONGER IN Spain, so how bad could it be?

Spain was amazing and breathtaking, but I was ready to hug my kids and snuggle my dog. And that, I did. 

Stones, part two

About a week and a half into the Camino, I began to miss my kids quite intensely, which makes sense given that we have never been apart for very long. Around the same time, I began reflecting on the loss of my parents from my life. This was an interesting parallel.

I have had the opportunity in my life to hear many kids and adults discuss their relationships with their parents, and I have come to understand that my family was an anomaly. My parents were committed to me and each other in a way that few people experience. I am not suggesting that everything was perfect, by a long shot, but that what I took for granted as a young person, few people ever get the good fortune to know. I was loved unconditionally and got to see a marriage relationship that was reflective of that same level of commitment. 

I determined through contemplation that the best way for me to honor my parents is to be the best parent I can be to my own kids. It was around this time that I decided to cut my trip by a few weeks and come home early. While on this Camino, I missed some crucial life events in the lives of my kids and that helped me to see that I should find my way back home. It was at this time that I laid down my parents stones on my way to Burgos. 

I also laid down my broken heart stone there. I learned that it will be difficult to impossible to find a man who is committed to his family in the way that my dad was. That is the man I continue to search for and I understand now that I may not find that kind of love and dedication easily or ever. 

A few days later, I was walking alone and began to think about my health. I was sick at the time. Spanish food and lack of sleep had gotten the best of me. I was walking only six miles that day, but I decided to pray for B who is fighting cancer. I laid down his stone as I approached Castrojeriz.

When I began my travels toward home I began to think about the rest of my stones. I felt like there must be something significant left in my journey that would alert me to leave the stones. I found that place when I saw the Cathedral in Leon. I wasn’t sure how, but I knew that is where I wanted to leave the remaining stones. 

The cathedral is the beautiful lighted building you see in the distance.

There are honestly no words to describe the exquisite beauty of the cathedral, both inside and out. I spent a lot of time there just marveling in the carving of the stone, the stained glass windows and the intricacy of every square inch of the place. It defies words. I looked around for an appropriate place to put my stones and then I found a stone chalice. That is where I placed my last stones, including the ones for my children and Kaitlin, Joe’s girlfriend. 

That was all. I left all of the stones along the pilgrim’s path in Spain. I left my pain, my love and my prayers there, symbolically, for the universe to manage.

That is why I carried the stones so many miles.❤️

What are those stones for?

When I decided to do the Camino, a very long time ago, I read about how pilgrims (the walkers) often carry a stone or rock with them to keep and when the time is right, deposit it somewhere on the trail, symbolically.

From the beginning, as a lover of symbolism, I thought this idea was genius. I wanted to bring rocks for a variety of reasons. Some were to leave on the trail after I had processed a particular grief or life event, such as 

• A stone for my sister
• A stone for my mom
• A stone for my dad
• A stone for my divorce and my broken heart

Other stones were for other people and their griefs or events that I wanted to pray about and then leave on that person’s behalf. 

• A stone for my friends who are awaiting the next addition to their beautiful family. (This is you M&E)
• A stone for the health and happiness of my aging aunt and uncle (Ap and Um)
• A stone for a family member who is fighting cancer (B)

Still other stones were for the people I wanted to take with me for strength and love through the Camino.

I wanted to regularly think and pray over these people and be grateful for their place in my life.

• My son and daughter
• My son’s girlfriend

I deposited my sister’s stone first. It was by far the most emotional of my placements. My sister had a more challenging life than most other people I know. There is no reason I can identify other than chemical wiring. She was super smart, but struggled in feeling safe and confident in some of the basics of life, which caused her to experience regular discomfort. These are the things that most of us take for granted in life, like talking to strangers or calling a company to problem solve almost anything. She just struggled in a way that I cannot relate to. 

As I literally cried my way down the steep slate hill into Zubiri, which was literally at least the last two miles, it occurred to me: what if this is what every day felt like in her skin. I found myself bawling for my own pain in my knees, but also the pain in her life. I was ready to set down that stone. 

I then recovered from that and began to process my parents’ deaths.

Leon cathedral and museum

July 20-21

One of the gifts the Camino has provided me is the chance to see the Orrison family again. The Orrison family is not a family with the name Orrison. The first stop in the Camino trek is about 7 miles in, after a steep uphill trudge. Not everyone stops at Orrison, but those who do, usually spend an evening there and participate in a community dinner.

I cannot overstate how difficult the first leg of the trek is, and how exhausted people are when they stop there.  You can read about our experience at Orrison in post called Day 4.

Upon determining I wanted to return home early, what I was most sad about was leaving my Camino family without saying goodbye. Debbie and Kira had been a few days behind and Christy’s family were traveling a few days ahead. 

Personally, I had to backtrack to Burgos and then bus to Leon to get to Madrid from there and fly to PDX. Since I had been communicating with the friends every couple of days, I updated them on my journey. 

You will not believe this. Kira and Debbie were IN Burgos and were planning to bus to Leon as well. And... Christy’s family was IN LEON! We would all get to reunite one last time after all. 

This was a gift I cannot describe. I am so happy that my last days were filled with friend love! I even found another friend, Jen, from Montana in Leon and she joined us for a few fun times. 

I have no doubt that I will see these people again, and that I will know them forever. Here are pictures of our time together, which included the museum and the cathedral, which you can see those pics in the next post.

Day 19

Somehow the Camino continues to bless me beyond belief! I was the first one to wake up in my albergue today (first time on this trip) at 6:15AM. Note that it is not exactly sleeping in, but compared to the groups I’ve been with, this felt practically like sleeping until noon.

I met Chloe’s family (who was passing through for breakfast) at 7:30 and walked and talked with them for a while. This pic is an old one because we did not take one today. 

This pic is missing Tammy and Chloe. Aren’t those kids so cute?

They left me at my alburgue and I had breakfast with Sebastian from Germany who was still in hip pain, so he planned to see the doctor. After I put laundry in, I headed to the town to use the cash machine and visit the supermarcado. I decided to start eating only what is packaged or fresh to avoid more sickness. I bought cured jamon (ham), Gouda and two beautiful nectarines. I saw my friends, Stu and Claude, exchanged hugs, and they were off to explore the castle ruins.

When I returned, it felt like a good time to rest, so.... I did. After a bit, I went to get laundry and hang it out to dry. Right as I was doing that a few people were checking into the alburgue and they were women who both speak English. One thing I love so much about this is meeting people and hearing their “why” stories. Nobody does the Camino for no reason. I am a lover of story, so this intrigues me. 

In the afternoon, I went exploring and found the COOLEST place. It’s in an old stone house and it’s a MEDITATION house. Literally the most awesome thing I’ve seen yet on this trip! I’ll post a few pics here, but the best stuff is on Instagram and Facebook!

The learning

• Patricia does not enjoy doing the exact same routine day after day, with the same surrounding people, even if the scenery is exquisite and ever changing.
• A backpack is not my preferred way of traveling.
• I cannot eat foreign food indefinitely without getting sick. Stomach=no tolerance. Whatsoever.
• I need alone time. A lot of it. Because I’ve been surrounded by others for a lot of my life, I didn’t realize how trapped I would feel if I truly could not leave. 
• No one is going to take care of me. If in some gracious act, they do, I will be thankful and recognize it is temporary. It is my job to lead my own life.
• I need to stop giving my wheel to other people. I realize I am a little old to be getting this, but there was a time in my life, long ago, that when I became overwhelmed, I could count on my family to help me get back on the path. That is no longer a reality. The people I have given my power to have unanimously abused that. Get a clue, girl.
• If you don’t wear makeup you don’t have to wash your face after you cry.
• I can go anywhere in the world, not speak the language and still figure out how to get where I need to go. This is true during the running of the bulls, in a remote small town in Spain or in the Paris airport.
• Though it might seem like a “privileged white girl” problem, I should never go far from a location where I can find a Trente black iced tea with stevia. Hugely deprived. 
• If I have to go somewhere without my favorite iced tea, then a place where a glass of wine is 1.20 is a good substitute. 
• Sometimes you have to spend a lot of money and go far away and feel very very alone to get your head straight, and realize what really matters in life. 

I AM WHAT YOU GIVE ME.

July 18

For those who are reading for a happy Camino blog with pretty pictures, now might be a good time to stop reading because this is about to get real.

There are still pretty pictures. This morning was beautiful. 

To that, I cannot argue.

I want to state again (reference My Why) that I didn’t come on this journey to see beauty. There is plenty of beauty in the world to see without walking several hundred miles one step at a time to see it. 

I didn’t come to make friends, though I have connected with some people who I love already and whether we stay in touch or not, they have made a difference in my little life. 

I didn’t come for the physical challenge or to get more fit. I can do those things at home. 

What I can’t do at home is have long stretches of thinking time that afford me whatever emotion I need to feel at whatever time I need to feel it. For example, I have put my phone down twice already to ugly cry while typing this. I’ve tried to be strong, I really have, but as my personal Camino is ending in about a week, I am working through some of the last pieces of pain that I came here for. And it’s not pretty. 

I’m still sick. I don’t know why. It could be because they don’t refrigerate eggs in Spain or that flies are constantly swarming on food. My stomach hates it here. I got up this morning at 5 AM with everyone else knowing that I had no choice but to walk the six miles to the next town and stay until I can figure out how to bus somewhere closer to Leon, where I need to be by Saturday. I began today’s walk bawling my eyes out. Eventually the need for my cell phone flashlight took over and I had to concentrate so I didn’t fall in the dark. 

One of the realities I am facing is that today is my parting with Deb. She will go on and finish the Camino and I will finish my last days alone. This is no accident. It is important that we each approach this journey in a way that honors our own purposes. 

A gift I received is that as I was walking alone today I came across a man laying on his pack on the side of the road. You never know what language anyone speaks here so I just said hola, and then are you okay? He was injured. Turns out yesterday, on his FIRST DAY of the Camino (people start from all over) he walked 20 miles. Rookie mistake. He is broken. I gave him Advil and told him there was a town in two miles and carried on.

A half hour later, he showed up at the breakfast place I stopped at and asked me about places to stay here. I had already researched because I was planning to stay. Meanwhile, a huge rain storm came and hordes of walkers sought refuge in the same little cafe. In the end, we walked together to the hostel and parted ways as we went to our rooms. I may never see him again and my life would be completely fine, but in some way I knew he was there to help me feel less alone. 

My big revelation? It’s just me. I am the only one who is here to take care of me. I have no husband, boyfriend, parents or siblings to help me make decisions, or even bring me soup when I’m sick. This is something that I haven’t grieved yet. There is no one to rescue me in Spain and help me figure out what to do next. It’s all me. That is extremely sobering. But true and raw. Like anyone, I want to be saved once in a while. But guess what? Nope. 

The Camino has helped me see this. It may sound like I’m angry or bitter, but that is not the case. I am sad, but that is all. I will continue to process my life in the five or six days I have. I will reflect on the meaning this whole experience has had, and then I will return to my life and put this learning to use.

Here is my last walking pic on the Camino de Santiago. Note the scabs from layers of sunburn on my nose. 😂

July 17

Today was just plain tough. When I fell asleep at the alburgue I remember waking up several times freezing. I had my fleece blanket on me, but added my towel and my sarong too, trying to get warm. When Deb woke up I told her I needed to leave later, and then fell back asleep. I woke up an hour later sweating and freezing too. I managed to put my things in my pack and then go across the street for a croissant and coffee.

The first town was 6 miles away and I figured I could at least get there. I stopped at the bus terminal on my way through town and found that the bus didn’t run to the city today that I wanted to go to. It was incredibly frustrating to try and communicate not knowing Spanish. 

I headed out on foot. When I got to the next town, I was feeling terrible. I almost decided to just find a place to stay there except we had already decided where to stay tonight and it was impossible to contact anyone. 

I began to ask around about a taxi, and found it would be very expensive to get to Hontanas. But, I had no choice, so I just paid it and tried to enjoy the scenery on the ride as I watched the taxi meter go up higher and higher. 

When I reached Hontanas, all I wanted was a bed and a bathroom. Thankfully the bed was available fairly quickly. When I woke up an older gentleman was walking past me in a towel, so others were showing up.

I spent the rest of the day taking a shower, not feeling better and trying to figure out what my next move is. I have three choices. Stay, walk and try to bus somewhere or walk as far as I can tomorrow and stay there. As of now, if I stay, some people will catch up who stayed over in Burgos. If I move on, I will likely stay alone tomorrow since Deb is sticking with the book schedule and the people who we have been traveling with.

Day 16

Today our walk said it was to be about 14 miles, which I thought was a lot, so I knew I’d be tired at the end of the day, and that if “the book” says it’s fourteen miles, it’s really more like 16. Whoever wrote the book had some counting issues. 🙄

In addition, there is the finding wherever we are going to stay, walking to dinner, exploring, etc., which tends to tack on another mile or two, so....

That’s a lotta steps!

There have been whole work weeks when I haven’t gotten that many steps. My knees are sore and inflamed. 

Today was a beautiful day though. One of the most amazing parts of the day is the early morning. Seeing the sunrise is really a great way to start the day.



Also, my body doesn’t wake up for the first few hours so I barely know that I’m even walking unless it is uphill. The first stop of the day is for breakfast at the first place that is open. Today I ordered TWO cafe con leches! 

Two is better than one. 

We don’t really stop for lunch until we arrive, which is usually between 11-1PM depending on what time we start.

Last night, there were ten of us in a room, and the air was thick. Every time Deb or I got up to go to the bathroom, we would leave the door open, and then someone else would close it. 😕

At 4:15 AM, YES! YOU READ RIGHT! 4:15 AM, about five alarms went off!! One very special young lady, who was sleeping on the top bunk, had a nice, lengthy song as her wake up alarm on her phone which was charging on the floor across the room! When she finally got to it, she didn’t turn it off. She snoozed it. I want you to know that the alarm went off a total of FIVE times. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ Deb and I wanted to poke her with our walking sticks.